(final memory log)

I finally realized what I was doing wrong the past two years.

I have been attempting to assume and assimilate three radically divergent cognitive paradigm-archetypes: scientific, martial, political.

My hypothesis is that it’s impossible to master, if even appropriate, all three paradigms in a single sphere of persona simultaneously with both meager know-how and degrading motivation. Just as you can’t fully fuse the primary-light hues of RGB without them cancelling each other out and producing white, it’s unlikely I can be somebody while attempting to become all three.

I need to either to discard my attempts towards either one or both of the latter paradigm-archetypes, or achieve the critical balance of a 2:1:1 respective-ratio.

Of course, the choice is obviously the latter. The problem, in my understanding, is that the latter requires a significant amount of a rare psychological resource that I am in desperate need of: motivation.

It’s the same old story again.

It’s either the great balancing act, or I must fully abandon my attempts at the latter two paradigms if I am to achieve my dream of becoming the former (which, unfortunately, does not supply me the necessary motivation - maybe it’s because I have been classically conditioned into a state not very different from learned helplessness vis-a-vis whenever I so desire something).

For the meantime, all activity on this world-wide-web based tumblr-account uniform resource locator will cease to exist, as part of another of my personal rehabilitation attempts. It’s funny how, unintentionally, I match the descriptions relevant to my MBTI indicator: that I consider even both this carbon-based organic life-frame of mine and this synaptic-network which hosts my very sentience as both a laboratory, and an experiment.

@2 years ago with 1 note
#final memory log